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Single, married, one night stand makes no difference.
Nor does past or future or dreams or goals, who I was or who I wanted to be. All that mattered was that I was pregnant and I had to make a decision, the hardest decision of my life.
My doctor had laid out the basics of birth and raise, birth and adopt, abortion, and other possibilities based on my own medical history as well as family history. He also spoke of the moral dilemma and permanence of my decision. He gave me all that he could from a medical view and suggested that if I had a belief system of prayer that I should consider that, also.
For three days I was locked in discussion, debate, argument, turmoil, pain, prayer, acceptance, and finally peace. I was not mentally stable enough to care for a child. Already treated for depression and acting on impulse, I had no routine care to offer. (It would be 30 long, destructive years before bi-polar was finally diagnosed and treated.) I knew without doubt that I would not be able to carry to term, give birth, and then let the baby go to someone else. Even as I knew I could not be a parent I also knew that I could not give up my child. It was selfish and illogical but honest. I had to make a decision that was well reasoned, that would be best for what would eventually be a child, that I would not regret in the near or far future.
We walked into the gynecologists' office. The waiting room was like any other, carpet, chairs, pictures on the wall and a corner with toys. I filled out the paperwork and waited. The nurse took me to an exam room, I dressed in a gown. She checked vital signs, asked questions, had me sign some forms. She was very gentle and focused on me. Then she lead me to the procedure room. It was bright and clean. The doctor talked with me in a calm voice. The nurse helped me lie back on the exam table and guide my legs and feet into the stirrups. The doctor asked if I had any other questions or concerns, was I afraid? No fear, just a little nervous like I always was with a pap smear. I had surgery for endometriosis a few years earlier. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. With permission the nurse pushed a little valium in the IV.
I rose above the table and was watching the doctor at my raised knees. He was slightly bent and the nurse was exchanging instruments with him. I saw my face, the eyes staring up at the ceiling, dulled with sadness almost from birth. My arms were folded over my head and breathing was steady. I saw a slight startle in my body and wince on my face. I looked toward my knees and saw the nurse and a plastic canister. Then I was back in my body, on the table, and the doctor was finishing. I was taken to another room where I stayed for awhile. I dressed and we went home.
It's been about 33 years. I made an informed decision. I took my time and considered everything from the doctors' experience and from what I could imagine. I talked with my higher power. The out of body experience has happened only a few times in my life so I'm not sure what it is, just how it feels. In all those 33 years I have never once regretted my decision.
I am presenting very intimate details of my life. While I have shared the fact of the abortion I have never shared the experience, the emotions, and the thoughts leading up to the decision. Be respectful to me and to each other.
For another experience from a Newsvine member:
http://h-kuehn.newsvine.com/_news/2010/02/05/3859982-mothers-day?
Here is story from another Newsvine member:
http://debrabsams.newsvine.com/_news/2009/06/03/2891274-abortion-a-personal-hell?
